Radical Disarmament: Turning Toward Your Inner Critic
Rather than fighting your inner critic, turning towards it disarms the inner critic, reveals wounds that need attention, and cultivates stronger internal attachment
We all have an inner critic. Whether it judges us for our appearance or who we’re dating or that embarrassing thing we said in our last meeting, it tells us exactly what we’ve done wrong and how we might go wrong next. It seems to show up when we’re feeling vulnerable and its constant reproaches can exact a high emotional and psychological toll.
Popular advice encourages us to silence our inner critic, to shout it down or tell it to hit the road or otherwise battle it into submission. That might make us feel more powerful in the moment, especially if the critic gets quieter for a time. But before long the critic is back, louder and more insistent. Going through this repeated roundabout also exacts a high emotional and psychological toll.
Instead of submitting to or brawling with the inner critic, we can take an alternative path: turning towards it. You might be familiar with this technique from meditative practices, but you don’t have to be a bodhisattva to adopt it. Turning towards the inner critic doesn’t have to be a fancy or formal process, and when we engage with the inner critic with perspective and openness, it softens. When the critic isn’t on the attack, we can see the wounds that are driving it and figure out how we might heal them. Being in closer relationship with the inner critic and our wounding improves our sense of internal attachment and creates a greater sense of calm self-possession.
Why doesn’t fighting the inner critic work?
Opposing the inner critic doesn’t take into consideration its function as a protector. It’s paradoxical that your harshest inner voice would be a protector of some kind, but appreciating this role is essential in helping the critic shift away from beating you up all the time.
How is the inner critic a protector?
Anyone who exists in a society that has rules or expectations will inevitably grow an inner critic. All the messages we receive from family or culture about how to act or think or feel are instructions about how to gain acceptance and approval from others. At their evolutionary root, acceptance and approval aren’t niceties—they’re survival imperatives. Without them, we find ourselves alone. And if we’re alone, our bodies perceive our physical safety to be at risk.
This is where the inner critic comes in. It takes those internalized messages and transforms them into its singular task: to keep you in line so that you’re not estranged from the people and community you need to stay alive. It has no time for pleasantries and may have absorbed the verbal tone used by others who have criticized you. And it won’t relent until its responsibility is recognized and acknowledged.
What does it mean to acknowledge the inner critic’s role?
It’s not enough to intellectually know the protective function of the inner critic. What moves the needle is directly addressing the inner critic internally with accepting or validating language expressing that you get its role as a protector—and that, actually, you’re there for the inner critic. The exact words and tone you use are going to be unique to you, but it could be something like, “Hey, I know you’re trying to protect me and you’re probably worried about me. What’s going on right now is hard, but I’m here and I’ve got your back.”
When we’re able to do this with perspective and sincerity, it allows the inner critic to relax. It’s trying to do a big job with a blunt instrument, and hearing that you’re there means that it’s not the only one seeing to your care.
One of my favorite pieces of media on this topic is a TED Talk by Dan Harris. Harris is a former news anchor who famously had a panic attack on live TV after years of self-medicating his depression with cocaine, MDMA, and overwork. That experience inspired him to investigate his rocky inner landscape, which eventually led him to becoming an author and meditation advocate. In his talk, he describes turning towards his inner critics and discovering, “When I stopped fighting them, they calmed down for a few seconds. I didn’t have to slay them. I just had to give them a high-five.” Harris called this move “radical disarmament”, and it’s from him that I borrowed the title of this blog post. He’s a smart and funny speaker, and I found his talk to be entertaining, touching, and worth watching.
Why exactly does turning towards the inner critic work?
There’s something powerful about getting enough distance from our recursive patterns and distorted self-stories and having a fresh experience of ourselves, one that opens enough space for self-compassion. Some people consider this kind of contact with inner parts to be a spiritual experience, while others chalk it up to the mysterious and complex ways we can interact with our own consciousness. Everyone is allowed to draw their own personal conclusions and meaning about it.
Do I need to start meditating in order to deal with my inner critic?
No. Harris was able to retool his relationship with his inner critic through his meditation practice, but shifting how you interact with your internal system doesn’t have to take that form. Basic self-compassion practices are a good place to start, and pioneering research psychologist Kristin Neff, PhD offers this exercise to change your critical self-talk. Psychotherapeutic approaches like Internal Family Systems, Janina Fisher’s TIST model, and Gestalt psychotherapy offer additional ways to work with inner parts in order to create more internal harmony.
It’s important to note that having enough space between you and the inner critic is needed for these practices to be effective. If you have a particularly extreme or abusive inner critic and struggle to get any separation from it, you may need the support of a therapist who can help you find more breathing room.
Won’t I lose my edge if I use too much self-compassion?
Not at all! This infographic from The Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford Medicine is a quick run-down of all the ways self-compassion works better than self-criticism. Among other things, self-compassion improves emotional resilience, reduces insecurity and stress, and actually improves productivity. Neff’s research also debunks multiple myths about self-compassion (e.g., self-compassion undermines motivation).
How does turning towards the inner critic allow me to see my deeper wounding?
Inner critics are not indiscriminate in their judgments—they follow core themes or narratives. Whatever feelings or consequences were overwhelming in the past are the experiences the inner critic is trying to help us avoid repeating in the present. Noticing these patterns and associated memories allows us to connect the dots and see which experiences caused the deepest wounds. We start getting a clearer sense of where we may want to focus our healing work.
What’s internal attachment, and how does doing all this strengthen it?
Internal attachment is the sense of claiming all of our interior world without rejecting or disowning even the most vulnerable or challenging parts of ourselves. We don’t have to expend psychological or emotional energy holding parts of us at a distance and we feel a general sense of grounded self-assuredness as a result.
Connecting with the inner critic with acceptance and compassion is a way of claiming a part of us that we previously feared or despised. We validate what the critic has been trying to do, express our support, and welcome it into the fold. Similarly, when we see our deeper wounds, we can be curious about which parts of us are carrying those wounds.
It usually feels like the inner critic is judging present-day us because it’s activated by present-day situations, but if we look more closely, we tend to find that the critic has been shaming a younger version of us who suffered a particular painful experience in the past. (Remember how the inner critic shows up when we’re feeling vulnerable?) From there, we can work towards connecting with the part holding the wound so we can relieve it of its pain and bring it under our wing. Because we no longer have to push away the inner critic or the parts in pain, our sense of internal attachment grows.
What happens to the inner critic after it softens?
Inner critics mainly want us to stay connected to other people. Once they’ve softened and we’ve healed the deeper wounds they were masking, inner critics often become advisors that keep us aware of our effect on others and whether we’re living in integrity. Instead of tormenting us, they wisely caution and remind us to tend to our relationships and mind our larger impact.
Going forward
Turning towards a part of us that has caused so much internal suffering is a counter-intuitive move. But when we’re able to take a breath, acknowledge that the inner critic has been trying keep us safe, and approach it with curiosity and compassion, we open the door to greater relief, healing, and a sense of wholeness.
Viewing and Reading List
The Benefits of Not Being a Jerk to Yourself - Dan Harris, TED Talk
Changing Your Critical Self-Talk - Kristin Neff, PhD
The Scientific Benefits of Self-Compassion - The Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford Medicine
Myths About Self-Compassion - Kristin Neff, PhD